best you break it... via www.rachelsimmons.com

One disastrous liaison too many, I realize I may have a bit of an issue with boundaries. Yeah, who’d have guessed? (Say anything - I kill you). Comes standard: lock, stock and two smoking ovaries with playing the proverbial good girl as I’ve done most of my life. Most, please note, I’ve deviated quite monstrously a few times. Being a Good Girl (or male equivalent: The Golden Boy) is akin to a slow death by strangulation: the loaded game, impossible to win. A dramatic description, sure. But when you expend vast amounts of energy in the dilly pursuit of pleasing other people, endeavouring to do the ‘right thing’ (whatever the f*ck that might be) and generally sacrificing your happiness for the sake of someone else, you’ll understand what I mean.

Whilst trolling for images for this post (you’d be equally amazed and horrified by what turns up when you search ‘good girl’), I found TEDxWoma(e)n Rachel Simmons’ The Curse of The Good Girl. Extracts from the press release reveals a bleak bulls eye:

Unerringly polite, nice, modest, and selfless, the Good Girl paradigm is so narrowly defined it’s unachievable. With self-esteem tied to perfection, girls are unable to know, express and manage a complete range of feelings. The need to be “perfect” leaves girls uncomfortable with feedback and failure, making it difficult to recover from even minor setbacks; a conflict with a peer or a mistake in the classroom is often enough to unleash paralyzing self-criticism. Deprived of the permission to articulate their needs, strengths, and goals, girls are confined by a psychological glass ceiling that can extend into adulthood, stunting the growth of vital skills and habits essential to personal and professional success.

silent, deep waters (image by Annie Stegg via www.deviantart.com)

Sound familiar? Kinda reminds me of Ophelia. And we know how things ended for her: cold, lonely and heartbroken at the bottom of a river.

Elefetheria Kakambouras, personal journey facilitator with honours in clinical psychology and a passion for empowering others, explains:

“The Good Girl archetype is shrouded by limitations – she is usually raised with a whole set of shoulds which crystalize, becoming part of her internal belief and guidance system.

The should list usually looks something like this:

• You should never get angry – good girls do not show their anger
• You should behave in an appropriate manner – otherwise people will not like you
• You should dress in a certain way, be married with children by a certain age – otherwise you will not be accepted
• You should have a man in your life – otherwise you will not feel secure.

This frame of reference sets you up to think, behave and say things to get external approval. When you depend on external sources for your sense of value, worth or happiness, you set yourself up to for continual disappointment – it’s an unhealthy basis for a relationship that fosters co-dependent behaviour. In truth, your value can only ever come from within – and this flows outwards to attract experiences which reflect how you value yourself. But this is the opposite of what we’ve been taught and here we get stuck. Lines from romantic movies (think Jerry Maguire‘s famous: “You complete me”) entrench this illusion and prevent us from discovering the true source of happiness and self-worth.

At some point the Good Girl realises the internal “should list” she’ carrying around is someone else’s idea of what a “good” person aught to think, say and do – which have nothing to do with her own beliefs and values. This split leads to a lifetime of pretending and misalignment with the authentic self.  The process of busting the “should” myth – at 20, 30, 40 or 60 is a profoundly powerful one and an honour to witness and facilitate. Finally letting go of these belief structures which cruelly edit the self, allows You to be You. And when you are authentically you, you start heeding your inner voice, instead of those misleading, illusionary shoulds. This is when you awaken to your inner goddess and unfold your truth: that you’re an intelligent, dynamic, powerful, sexy, courageous, magnificent women.”

Viva to that. I’m moeg of being seen as sweet, approved of because I’m nice and thoughtful and considerate. I’ve gotten  good at putting other people’s needs above mine: I’ve played the Good Daughter, Good Sister (though Cameron would probably disagree), Good Girlfriend, Good Employee, Good Employer, Good Friend, Good Host, Good Patient, Good Student, Good Golly Miss Molly, if there’s a role to be ‘good’ in, I’ve auditioned for it. Hell, I’ve even tried the Good Mistress once (but got fed up pretty fast with that lark – seems I prefer singular relationships, dysfunctional and otherwise). The approval payoff only ever gets you so far – predictably I’d literally get sick and bloody tired of trying so hard to please everyone else – it’s a waste, a half life. And the general approval high only gets you so far.

In the words of my adolescent icon, Jim Morrison:

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.”

the ballgown made me do it...

Indeed. I’ve felt most alive when I’ve done wild, whimsical things a good girl probably shouldn’t do: followed my heart to the ends of the earth; made rhyming couplets at a wake in the rain; danced down the aisles at a grocery store; jumped a fountain at a pretentious party (in a ballgown); climbed a tree during a prestigious awards ceremony (same ballgown). Years later, these are magical highlights in my memory, powerfully joyous moments when I felt my lifeblood burn with adventure. I’m tired of shackles, I’m sick of being safely socialized. I’m learning to say “no” to other people in order to say a greater, more authentic YES! when I’m ready. I’m learning boundaries. So what of the Good Girl? Time to bid her farewell as I don a ballgown and lay her to rest…