I don’t often buy new books. I’m even less likely to purchase the hardcover coffee-table kind. Last week, however, I did… and it was money well spent.
I like comedians. I especially like smart, cynical, erudite ones which is why I bought George Carlin‘s Life Is Worth Losing. The first track, A Modern Man (see below for transcript) is a fantastically funny rant and cracks me up every single time. Sadly Mr Carlin died on June 22nd, 2008 and the world lost one of it’s quirkiest, non-voting, hilarious, modern men. But fortunately, not before he spent 10 years with the love of his life, Sally Wade.
After George died, she compiled The George Carlin Letters - The Permanent Courtship of Sally Wade which celebrates their relationship in letters, postcards, pictures and cartoons they penned together. Well, mostly what ’Geo’ wrote for ‘his gal Sal’. It’s a tender scrapbook peek into their marriage – and happy bedtime reading. Via a link off good ol’ Twitter, I found the site Letters of Note. Read through marvelous missives from the likes of Mozart, Tom Waits et al until I found one by the romantic Mr Carlin, taken from the book. Which I decided I had to have. And me of the joys of being a writer is that all my book purchases are tax deductible *sigh*
A Modern Man
in (pretty much) a single breath
I’m a modern man,
digital and cost free;
a man for the millennium
a diversified, muli-cultural,
politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.
I’ve been uplinked and downloaded,
I’ve been imputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing
I know the downside of upgrading.
I’m a high-tech, low-life.
A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art,
and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I’m new wave, but I’m old school;
and my inner child is 0utward-bound.
I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking,
warm-hearted cool customer;
voice-activated and bio-degradable.
I interface with my database;
my database is in cyberspace;
so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive,
and from time to time I’m radioactive
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve,
ridin’ the wave, dodgin’ the bullet,
pushin’ the envelope.
I’m in the moment, on the edge,
over the top, but under the radar.
A high-concept, low-profile,
medium-range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top-gun bottom-feeder.
I wear power ties, I tell power lies,
I take power naps, and I run victory laps.
I’m totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk
rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;
out of rehab and in denial.
I’ve got a personal trainer,
a personal shopper,
a personal assistant,
and a personal agenda.
You can’t shut me up;
you can’t dumb me down.
‘Cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless.
I’m an alpha-male on beta-blockers.
I’m a non-believer,
I’m an over-achiever;
laid-back and fashion-forward.
low rent, high maintenance.
I’m super-sized, long-lasting,
high definition, fast-acting,
oven-ready and built to last.
A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case;
and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.
But I’m feeling, I’m caring,
I’m healing, I’m sharing.
A supportive, bonding, nurturing
My output is down, but income is up.
I take short position on the long bond,
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail, I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.
I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive,
user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.
I like rough sex; I like tough love.
I use the f-word in my e-mail.
And the software on my hard drive
is hardcore — no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I’m toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear,
and I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped, factory-authorized,
hospital-tested, clinically proven,
scientifically formulated medical miracle.
I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated,
pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged,
post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped
And… I have unlimited broadband capacity.
I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock;
rough, tough, and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow;
I ride with the tide, I’ve got glide in my stride.
Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinnin’;
jivin’ and groovin’, and wailin’ and winnin’.
I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal
and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunchtime.
I’m haning’ in, there ain’t no doubt;
and I’m hangin’ tough.
Over and out!