so sets the sun...

Any of you who laid good money on Dax (aka Duke D. Nile) and I not making it through July, well cash in your bet: you’re golden. Yup, surprise surprise – it’s over. Again. And this time, it’s done – well done, properly cooked, for good and always.

How, you ask? It’s a long story which boils down to a tether that found it’s end. I’m guilty of a plethora of bad habits, the worst being an ability to denigrate myself to make some hapless hopeless relationship work. Lessons learnt early on, we keep banging our heads on the self-same brick wall until the pain eventually becomes unbearable (even for supposed former masochists like me). Or exhaustion calls the farce to a halt. Either which way, a thought will finally flash across your wrecked and wretched mind:

“Hey, wait a minute: I don’t HAVE to suffer. Surely, there’s another way?”

So you stop struggling for a moment and it dawns on you that it’s bullsh*t, you deserve better. Look down at the ugly excess baggage you’ve been dragging around for years and realize you have a choice. Yes, YOU have a choice and the beauty is: choice is power! You can continue dragging this sh*t around, killing yourself to make the unworkable work or ditch the heavy suitcases of sorrow, shed the heart-attack-waiting-to-happen weight and move towards a life of  joy, peace, stability and love. It’s up to you.

shadows in surf

The snag, hook, line and sinker keeping you stuck is the false belief you need the baggage – for whatever ridiculous reason you’ve conjured from thin, oxygen depleted air. Hear me now: you only need YOU. You need you: free and unencumbered, full of love and hope. Everything (and everyone) else is an illusion you’re bought into (nice marketing coup, Mad Men) and it’s that very illusion that’s caused such considerable pain. And here’s the kicker – you’ve caused yourself to suffer. Sure, he may be a low down dirty dog but you’re the fool who decided to stick with a mongrel and keep trying to love some semblance of sense (or pedigree) into him. Sorry, my friend, that’s just plain stupid. And you’re just as stupid if you think you’re worth sh*tty treatment. Ditch the dodo and get on with your life.

Another idiotic assumption is believing they’ll see the error of their ways, agree with you and apologize. Face it, honey: that ain’t gonna happen (not now and most probably not later either but please gods don’t stick around to find out!). It’s sheer lunacy to believe someone whose sh*t is f*cked up is remotely capable of seeing, let alone owning, their stuff. That’s why they’re who/what/where they are: they’ve been sipping one long, strong cocktail of Denial. And trust me, no matter how logical the argument, how calmly you express it or how much evidence you present, they won’t get it. Which is why you have to get it and get O-U-T. No use drinking from the same poison cup.

I thought I could make it work a 2nd time with Dax because I’d sorted my stuff. I made the same mistake I’ve been making since I started dating. You can’t fix stupid– until you’re ready to claim your power.  To choose. And make life affirming, self sustaining decisions. As soon as you do, The Game/s becomes obvious and the only sane response is to stop playing, burn the baggage and move on.

If you want more insight into how to get off ye old baggage carousel, head to Natalie Lue’s brilliant blog, Baggage Reclaim. Ironically enough, Dax led me to her site (for which I’m eternally grateful) and I’ve found great wisdom (and no end of horror recognising my disastrous dating drama all but impaled on a page) reading her posts. She’s a funky, no nonsense woman who’ll dish it to ya straighter than Dr Phil.

When you’re ready for the next level (true love and happiness awaits!) you’ll find yourself making very different decisions – and enjoying very different consequences. I’ll meet you there…