lessons in solitaire…

get a creative deck! image courtesy www.lsdex.ru

Just to clear up any grey, misunderstanding or gods-know-what other nonsense: I’m devastated by the breakup. I was a full time DS smack junkie: I wanted to live to a 100 with Dax, mix our DNA into some cute little kiddie strands and be part of one big happy Black family. I feel the loss of that dream acutely as I feel the absence of a (sometimes) phenomenal man. I miss our good moments about as much as I’m relieved to see the back of the bad bits. On the phone to Ma Nguni yesterday I sobbed, cut to pieces by how much of me he missed actually seeing because of his arrogant certainty that he ‘saw’ me. It’s an old pain, one I’ve struggled with in oh!so! many relationships so I know it’s a pattern. And I know it’s my fault. Based on the shoddy choices I’ve made, I’ve signed myself up for misery every time.

Which got me thinking as I played another mindless game of solitaire (a modern day mantra, the tech generation’s answer to rosary beads and hail mary’s). My mind kinda detaches itself from mundane thoughts and floats about in this clear space above my head while I shuffle a deck of random cards into some semblance of order. I’ve been watching myself recently from this vantage point and noticed how damn dog-headed I am: I’ll restart and play the same game until I eventually manage to crack it. It would appear I suffer from a similar misplaced tenacity in the romance arena – I go back (again and again, sometimes) to figure out what I can do differently, if I can possibly love, tolerate or understand < more > – as if there is some trick I’ll learn that’ll grant me access to the next level… and a functional relationship.

It hit me last night: some games just aren’t meant to work out. The deck is f*cked, there aren’t enough compatible cards, the order’s out or you’re simply stuck with a weak hand. As much satisfaction as I derive from making order out of chaos, some games don’t want to be won. If I’m expending valuable resources, time and energy in the vain pursuit of forcing stubborn suits to get it together, I’m wasting opportunities to have real fun (or a royal flush) with a full deck.

And I finally got it: if I want to be seen, if I’m looking for an equal to play a lifetime with, I need to be more discerning. I need to select a partner wisely, using criteria based on what I know about myself – my values, passions, needs and desires. Gone is the old game of making it work with whoever comes along – I’m learning to play smart!

So I sat down, beside a roaring fire with two snuggling cats and made 3 lists: the critical (must have), wishes (what I’d like but can be flexible on) and the knockout punch (immediate disqualifiers) as advised by Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott in her book on finding authentic love. I was surprised by how much I wrote. Looking back on my dismal dating past, if I’d applied these, I would’ve saved myself a lot of time and heartache.

So here they are:

{  The Critical aka Must Love Cats List  }

I’m looking for a man who:

1. Has a big heart and massive capacity for love and joy
2. Communicates clearly, who openly and honestly expresses his thoughts and feelings
3. Clearly demonstrates commitment to a personal Truth, is on a spiritual path and lives his life with love and integrity
4. Is physically strong and attractive, intellectually astute and emotionally mature
5. Values simple things and is content leading a gentle, loving, quiet life
6. Is creative, thoughtful, playful, optimistic and recognizes magic in the little everyday details
7. Likes to touch and be touched, who is sensual, affectionate and will hold me through the night
8. Enjoys being romantic and knows how to make (and receive) thoughtful, loving gestures
9. Has friends and family I like and respect and who are compatible with mine
10. Truly sees, understands and celebrates me for who I am and who is equally unique, quirky and unusual (in short – a kindred)
11. Is monogamous, faithful and committed to talking about and working on the relationship
12. Actively supports me and my dreams
13. Expresses his love physically and shares my view that sex is sacred
14. Is balanced, integrated and enjoys alcohol etc in moderation

Those be the non-negotiables (yes, yes, I know – long list. But I’m being thorough this time).  When I get back in the dating game if any of these are missing, I fold. Simple.

{  The Wish aka Would Be Nice List  }

I’d be thrilled if he:

1. Loves being active, spending time outdoors and in nature
2. Loves food, cooking, fine wine, dark chocolate and coffee!
3. Loves animals
4. Loves music, books and theatre
5. Enjoys adventure, travelling and taking road trips
6. Treats space as sacred
7. Is considerate, thoughtful, generous and prioritizes me
8. Wants a family
9. Is financially stable and has a healthy respect for money
10. Respects my power and matches it with his own true strength
11. Gives thoughtful small gifts to show he cares, understands, and thinks about me

{  The Knockout Punch aka No Ways, José!  List  }

Any man who is:

1. Unavailable or already in a relationship (with someone else – duh)
2. Sexually ambiguous (in other words: not sure if he’s after Arthur or Martha – or both!)
3. Emotionally immature
4. Physically, emotionally, mentally or sexually abusive
5. An addict (drugs, alcohol, work, gambling etc)
6. A narcissist, bio-polar or any other personality disorder
7. Still stuck in an unhealthy primary bond with his family of origin or childhood friends
8. Dodgy friends or family (no more D-B or R-K f*cked up situations thank you very very much)
9. Insecure, jealous, controlling, manipulative, cruel, stingy, chauvinistic or can’t handle his anger
10. Dishonest and has double standards
11. Spiritually or psychologically unaware (unable to recognise, ‘own’ and heal his stuff)

This not-so-little list has been culled from the Hellish experiences of Love Past, commonly called ‘learning from your mistakes’… These are the bright RED flashing neon lights –  if I see one, I’m outta there faster than Malema at a DA meeting!