Now that I’ve made myself a whole bunch of useful lists to keep me on track (and off smack) to help navigate my Dating Future, I thought it might be fun (not to mention hysterical and highly educational) to trip back to the dreaded Dating Past and use the lists to ‘rate’ just how sh*tty my choices in men have been. If there’s one thing I can be grateful to them for (aside from helping me graduate Hard Knock Uni, Cum Laude in Martyrdom and Other Insane/Suicidal Pastimes) is some pretty fabulous (if somewhat unbelievable) ‘material’. So boys, thanks – I plan to use what I paid for.

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Here’s the score: I’ve been dating since 13 when, bombarded by hormones and misplaced affection, I fell in love with my best friend. I managed to involve myself in a good few silly teenage romances subsequently before finally settling in a ‘stable’ (and I use the term loosely) relationship at varsity. reBounding right into the arms of a wholly f*cked up divorcee, followed by a few ridiculous attempts at making the unworkable work before jetting off for greener fields in the US of A where, before long, I managed to find more misfits to fall in love with *sigh* Oh yeah. I’ve been a bright one in cardiac investments. Wisely, I had a stroke and got really, really sick. Which meant I didn’t have excess energy to be masochistic.  I came home to South Africa to recuperate and landed up in the ER. Which is where, essentially, our story begins…

But first, before we open the eX-files (and a can of very slippery worms) let’s meet the all important players. Since my Dating Past could be likened to an emotional equivalent of Tekken, I’ve created ‘gaming’ profiles for each. Names have been changed to protect the guilty…

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Holy hell, it’s scary when you look at the dismal ‘critical’ scores (I did allow 1/2 and 1/4 points in an effort to allow some players to at least get a score on the board) and the wildly high No Ways, José! ones *sigh* ergo my need for lists.

Anyway, while we’re busy setting up the cast, let’s give ‘em cute little sigils to go with those oh!so! telling game names.

Dr McPolar: “All you’ll feel is a slight prick…”

The Drama Queen (or as my friends affectionately dubbed him ‘The Devil’ / ‘He Who Shan’t Be Named’):  “I’ll betray you to the trashy…”

The Mercenary: “I’m going through a tough time…”

Dream King: “But I love you, Scarlet! I’m leaving my wife – I have to sort some stuff out first. Just be patient…”

Duke D. Nile: “Scarlet, don’t be so unreasonable. I know you better than you know yourself – you’re just so angry/afraid… ” (>> insert whatever emotion he’s currently experiencing… and duly projecting) 

Get to know these boys, for the next little while we’re going to be spending a lot of time  with them – looking at what went down, how it happened, what went wrong and how the hell I can stay well away from damn restart/replay button….