oh!so!gay! image via sosogay.org

…girls. And other signs he might be a lot less straight than you bargained for.

I’ve made some pretty phenomenal mistakes in the romantic realm but perhaps the most ridiculous has been the series of sexually ambivalent males I got myself tangled with: boys who prefer boys while pretending they’re into girls. Been there, done that and burnt the t-shirt.

Look: if you’re homosexual – hallelujah, let’s all be merry; if you’re bi and you know it clap your hands – you’ve got the full spectrum to play with. Preference is, after all, a hollowed human pejorative. But for the sake of sanity please just get it clear in your own head which side you want to bat for before you drag anyone else onto your leaky barge for a slippery trip down de Nile. A potential partner’s entitled to know whether they’re about to get jiggy with someone who likes to flip the coin or prefers to drag race the Hershey highway.

Me? I prefer a man who likes to have sex with women exclusively. Having a relationship with someone who bats for both sides or has an active (if illicit/fictitious) gaydar profile makes me about as uncomfortable as hitching up with a coke snorting swinger. Call me odd but I’m into serial monogamy and alpha men. If that makes me ‘middle class’ so be it, revile me all you like: that’s my thing and I’m ok with it.

switched on? image via http://www.patentlyqueer.com

Those who claim they’re just not sure – bullsh*t! 9 times out 10 you know which way you wanna go when the first flush of hormones hit, you’re simply too chicken sh*t to accept yourself. You’re the one with issues, buddy: be honest and quit being a pussy (we know you don’t like them anyway). If we want in on the drama then let us consciously choose to sit on your creaky see-saw. Pretending to the world while you’re lying to yourself is a deceptive sea you’ll drown in.  Kindly sort out your sh*t before dragging someone else into it.

Getting married’s no proof you’re straight. Nor is having a child. Sadly the incidence of men leading double lives is high. Like really, really freakishly high. Ask me, I know. Give me a year and I’ll write you a thesis. It started when Ma Nguni married a chap who’d had at least one homosexual relationship before they tied the knot. Look at his varsity photo’s – even if you’ve got a seriously bum barometer, its obvious he was that way inclined. The number of my gay friends who’ve hooked up with married men is laughable. And tragic. Because innocent people on either side of the swing wind up f*cked. And not necessarily in the way they bargained.

So in the hopes of preventing others from taking this silly stroll with fate, here’s a couple of signs you might want to heed.

Your boyfriend might be more into boys           than he is into you if:

• he wears a nipple ring from when he was engaged to… another man. True story…

• there’s a poster of a naked man in his shower. One he designed where you shower with your back to the wall so you’re forced to face a half-naked stud while you soap yourself up. His defence? It motivates him to work out. I admire Angelina Jolie but see if you find photo’s of her on my bathroom walls. Yeah, thought so…

• your brother, 99.9% of your friends and family tell you he’s gay. What are you not seeing, sweetheart?

• his own friends, colleagues and a gay guy he once lived with repeatedly tease him about being gay. Mildly worrying – you know what’s been said about many a truth coming out (haha) in jest…

• he’s precious about his rather feminine taste in clothes (colour, texture, fabric, cut) – which, if you try them on actually look better on you. Starting to worry? Perhaps now would be a good time…

um, honey, could I have my dress back? (image via http://www.fugly.com)

• he owns a dress – and he’s not afraid to wear it. I was loaned one when I had nothing to wear one night. He claimed it was from varsity days fancy dress. The same period when he got engaged. To man. I gave it back when we broke up – figured he needed it more…

• your 1st date as a couple is with his gay friend and a married man who’s stuck in the closet playing with skeletons. At Madame Zingara’s. Might be a sign…

• he obsessed that certain of his friends, your mutual masseuse, random strangers and the majority of his brothers are gay. Can anyone spell P-R-O-J-E-C-T-I-O-N?

• he kisses other guys. Yeah, you’d think I’d have picked up on this one…

• his relationship with his mommy (usually an overbearing creature who thinks her son is the Second Coming) is a little on the weird side and way too close for comfort. Seriously meet the mother – it’ll explain just about everything you need to know…

• his has ‘issues’ with masculinity (especially his own) – and is super sensitive when anyone discusses the matter. Me thinks the dude dost protest too much…

no way - me gay?? (image via http://www.tvchannelsfree.com)

• he smokes with a theatrically limp wrist like Mitchell from Modern Family. In fact, looks and behaves a lot like Jesse Tyler Ferguson and more than 5 of your friends called to insist you watch the series (including your brother who said he was gay in the first place). Art imitates life?

• sex becomes more a porn inspired performance than an intimate exchange of affection. Check out the Gay Husband Checklist, it’s there…

• he’s under 40, fit and healthy but resorts to ‘experiments’ with Viagra. Ag shame man, at least he tried!

• he spent time in the service of a catholic priest. You know what they’re infamous for…

• he nurses underlying suspicions and serious rage toward women. If his ‘love’ bites are like shark attacks baby, trust me, you gotta a much problem bigger than his canines. Cue JAWS soundtrack – and run like hell!

• he has an unnaturally close circle of guy friends, defined by secrets and seriously odd practises. I mean, how many men do you know who’s drunken ‘horseplay’ involves fresh strawberry enemas?

• his ‘best’ friend and him make a better couple than you and he do. Especially in the kitchen. What’s more, most of his friends and a few of their kids think they are… the perfect couple, that is. Curious…

• the person leaving the house on a 4am breakfast run (after you’ve broken up but before the security company has removed you from the ‘call in case of alarm list’) is a man. Curiouser and curiouser…

• he says insane things like “I’d never cheat on you with any woman on earth!” when confronted about infidelity. Strategic use of white lies, nice one bucko!

But my favourite and perhaps the most telling:

He bums cigarettes from a gay couple because he “doesn’t want to make you jealous by asking a girl”, proceeds to end your ‘romantic’ date by getting you to join said couple (where you spend the rest of your evening), he takes a number to give them ‘surfing lessons’ and then tells you in the car ride home that one put his hand on his leg (and is disturbing unperturbed about the entire experience – in fact, he looks all puffed up and proud). Erhm, anyone else hear The Twilight Zone theme song?

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In sum: Much has been bandied about on the interwebs this week about what constitutes a real man, not to mention whether we women actually know what it is we want. One thing’s for bloody sure: we want a man who’s into women. Well, at least one. Men who try to like women but can’t help liking boys? Uh, thanks but… no.

what women want... (image via http://www.toonpool.com)